My new book

Imagine if a matchmaking service used the same procedures as an eye doctor.

Imagine if the career of the future turned out to be a moneymaking pursuit from the past.

Imagine if a severe weather graphic appeared on your TV just as the Red Sea was being parted in the movie “The Ten Commandments.”

Imagine if country music artists needed to figure out a way to record new songs while constantly going from awards show to awards show to receive accolades for their old songs.

Imagine if a grocery store that contains all the resources of a city actually became a city.

Bill Kempin has imagined all these things and more. He presents his humorous perspective on circumstances worldly and otherworldly in the book “The Great, Grand, Glorious Scheme of Things,” available at and the Kindle store.

With journeys through journalism in his background, Bill possesses an eye for detail connected to a sense of the absurd that finds something askew in almost every situation. His observations and deductions may not unlock all of life’s mysteries, but they might produce laughter as you realize that you’re not the only person who thinks napkins are running rampant throughout what remains of civilization.

By the way, did you ever wonder how far behind you a woman must be before it isn’t rude of you not to hold the door open for her?

That answer and more can be found in “The Great, Grand, Glorious Scheme of Things.”

About the author

Bill Kempin has been a broadcaster, a television writer, a TV director and an editor at a newspaper.

Now he edits life.

He appeared in the book “A Twitter Year: 365 Days in 140 Characters,” compiled by Kate Bussmann.

He assisted longtime friend Jenny McCarthy with her book “Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic.”

Speaking of Catholicism, his favorite saying from his days as an altar boy is “et cum spiritu tuo,” which means “and with your spirit,” “and also with you” or “same to you, buddy.”

His favorite Meryl Streep movie is “Defending Your Life.”

He is also fond of “The Court Jester” with Danny Kaye. And remember, the pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true. Unless of course you break the chalice from the palace. Then the pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

Get it? Got it. Good.

His mood at the moment is subjunctive.

A sample chapter: Prosperity is child’s play

In today’s economy, workers must be willing to change careers at the drop of an earnings report so they can fit into an ever-evolving business landscape.

Your job is eliminated because your company decides that a computer can do it faster and cheaper. So you retrain yourself to be a high-tech specialist. Then your computer job is outsourced to India. So you pack your bags and move to New Delhi. There you discover that India has been outsourced to China.

Maybe the secret to finding a reliable career isn’t anticipating a future trend and inventing a job based on what you think people will require 10 years from now. Perhaps you need to go retro, taking a moneymaking activity from your past and retooling it into a successful occupation that will sustain itself for years to come.

In other words, have you ever thought about a career as a babysitter?

I’m not taking about a person who watches somebody else’s kids for a few hours every Saturday night. I’m talking about a full-time babysitter — 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Many couples nowadays work evening shifts or overnight shifts, so with a little effort you should be able to put together a schedule in which you are babysitting around the clock.

To accomplish this, you’ll have to undercut the teenage girls willing to sort of watch children between cellphone calls and bites of pizza for $10 an hour. To get a constant stream of clients, you’ll need to lowball these young ladies by charging parents $1 an hour.

Wait a minute, you’re saying. A measly $1 an hour? That’s only $24 a day. That’s only $8,760 a year. How can I afford anything making that paltry sum?

Stop and think about this for a moment. You’re going to be constantly babysitting. That means you’re going to be constantly living in someone else’s home.

You won’t have to pay mortgage or rent. You won’t have to pay for electricity. Or natural gas. Or water. Or trash. You won’t have to pay for cable TV or Netflix.

You won’t have to pay for food. Just eat anything in the refrigerator that hasn’t yet turned into penicillin.

When your clothes get dirty, throw them into the parents’ washer and dryer.

And you won’t need a car. All you have to do is persuade the parents you just worked for to drive you “home.” You don’t have to tell them “home” is the home of the next people you’re babysitting for.

Without all those expenses, you should easily save $8,000 a year. How many people with ritzier careers put away that much money?

Besides, you won’t have to retire. You’ll be able to sit around doing nothing and still maintain a profitable babysitting career.

Granted, you’ll be a wanderer, a wayfarer, a vagabond — the stuff of a million poems. But you’ll be pulling down a lot more money than any poet.

Granted, you won’t have any friends. But they would just get you in trouble by coming over and making out in the parents’ bedroom.

Granted, you’ll be spending all your time with anklebiters, yardapes and crumbcrunchers. But think about the entrepreneurial example you’ll be setting for the youths of tomorrow as you sit in your underwear watching “Game of Thrones” on their parents’ Vizio as your clothes tumble in their parents’ Kenmore.

Free enterprise has never looked so proud.

Click here to order “The Great, Grand, Glorious Scheme of Things.”