If life deals you lemons, make Lemon Pledge and wipe away the evidence.
True bliss is climbing to the pinnacle of your dreams and experiencing oxygen deprivation.
Whoever coined the phrase “forgive and forget” must have done something pretty awful.
Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s the abundance of fear-masking chemicals in your blood system.
Winning isn’t everything, especially when your team doesn’t cover the spread.
Honesty is the best policy. But Geico offers a lower premium.
There is no such thing as a coincidence if you don’t understand the meaning of irony.
Leave no stone unturned and eventually you’ll start a rockslide.
He who laughs last probably ends up on a sitcom laugh track.
Dance as if no one is watching and soon you’ll be dancing with a celebrity on a TV show everyone is watching.
You can have absolutely everything you want in life if you charge enough at a motivational seminar.
Nature abhors a vacuum infomercial.
If at first you don’t succeed, you try, try my patience.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder — of your absence.
You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs and Emeril Lagasse’s heart.
Words become your destiny, which explains the stunning success of mimes.
The depth of a soul isn’t judged by what’s on the surface, but, like an iceberg, on how many shipwrecks you can cause.
Every time I walk the talk, I put my foot in my mouth.
There’s a fine line between succeeding and sucking.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
Cheaters never win, but they often end up getting first prize by making sure no one else wins either.
Find the best in others and then make sure they sign the organ donor line on their driver’s license.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, unless you’re William Tell’s son.
Misery loves company downsizings.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is how often your publicist can get you on the television show “Extra.”
Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work, especially after the layoff.
Every great person was misunderstood. Keep that in mind the next time you get the wrong order at a fast-food restaurant.
It’s always darkest before the dishwashing liquid goes to work.
Beauty is only skin deep, so it pays to have thick skin.
Happiness knows no limits, so why don’t I feel good after eating three slices of cake?
Imagination is more important than knowledge, and it makes your resume look a lot better.
When someone loses his smile, give him yours. When he loses your smile as well, file a police report.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions in multiple lanes during rush hour.
Laughter is the best medicine because you can take it with grapefruit juice.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Then again, if the darkness is caused by a gas leak, curse away.
Howard Stern may have touched many breasts, but I have touched many hearts. All in all, Howard just might have the better deal.
What’s the worst you can do? Other than to fail miserably.
There would be a lot more motivational posters if photographers weren’t such clumsy rock climbers.