If life deals you lemons, make Lemon Pledge and wipe away the evidence.

True bliss is climbing to the pinnacle of your dreams and experiencing oxygen deprivation.

Whoever coined the phrase “forgive and forget” must have done something pretty awful.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s the abundance of fear-masking chemicals in your blood system.

Winning isn’t everything, especially when your team doesn’t cover the spread.

Honesty is the best policy. But Geico offers a lower premium.

There is no such thing as a coincidence if you don’t understand the meaning of irony.

Leave no stone unturned and eventually you’ll start a rockslide.

He who laughs last probably ends up on a sitcom laugh track.

Dance as if no one is watching and soon you’ll be dancing with a celebrity on a TV show everyone is watching.

You can have absolutely everything you want in life if you charge enough at a motivational seminar.

Nature abhors a vacuum infomercial.

If at first you don’t succeed, you try, try my patience.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder — of your absence.

You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs and Emeril Lagasse’s heart.

Words become your destiny, which explains the stunning success of mimes.

The depth of a soul isn’t judged by what’s on the surface, but, like an iceberg, on how many shipwrecks you can cause.

Every time I walk the talk, I put my foot in my mouth.

There’s a fine line between succeeding and sucking.