A sample chapter

Lots of people complain about going to the dentist, but it’s worse to visit the eye doctor.

When you see a dentist, your teeth get poked and scraped and drilled. But you can sit back and pretend you’re not there.

But at the eye doctor, you’re heavily involved. You constantly have to answer questions and make decisions. No pressure — the only thing at stake is your ability to see.

“Which looks better: 1 … or 2?”

“Uh … 2.”

“3 … or 4?”

“Could I see them again?”

“Certainly. There’s 3 … and there’s 4.”

“They’re so close. … If I have to choose, I’ll say 3.”

When you’re done answering all those questions, you take the prescription somewhere and get eyeglasses or contact lenses. And when you first wear them, you review the vision exam and think to yourself, “You dope, you should have said 4.”

Imagine what it would be like if a matchmaking service used the same procedure as an eye doctor:

“Which looks better: blonde … or brunette?”

“Uh … blonde.”

“Blonde … or redhead?”

“Could I see them again?”

“Certainly. There’s the blonde … and there’s the redhead.”

“It’s so hard to decide.”

“Blonde … or redhead?”

“If I have to choose, I’ll say … blonde.”

“All right. Tall … or short?”


“Tall … or statuesque?”


“Stacked … or proportional?”

“Could you please go through that again?”

“Here’s stacked …”

“Hold it there a second.”

“Snap judgments are usually best. Otherwise your lust will adjust.”

“I’ll go with stacked.”

“Real … or fake?”

“This is tough.”

“Just remember, if you choose fake and the relationship clicks, there will probably be more plastic surgery to come.”

“Real then. No, wait. I might regret this 10 years from now. Fake.”

“We’re almost done. Naughty … or nice?”

“Can’t I get both?”

“Sure. We can order you two: one for home and one for social gatherings.”

Click here to order “The Great, Grand, Glorious Scheme of Things.”